All About LukeĀ 

Big things are happening with my first baby! Luke is almost 20 months old, but you wouldn’t guess that just by looking at him. He’s been mastering skills left and right, and continues to hit milestones weeks (and sometimes even months) before he should be. While at his brothers checkup, one of the doctors came in to comment on how advanced Luke was and ask what we are doing with him at home because of what he was doing out at the nurses station. Luke loves to hang out with the nurses at the pediatricians office, and was sitting on one of the nurses laps helping her enter in his brothers vital signs. She would tell him a number to push in, and Luke would find it and push the number. 

Luke is becoming more and more vocal every single day. He is starting to put together 3-5 word phrases, his favorite being, “where is she?” Which he says for anything that he can’t find. He also says uh-oh, yuck, ewwwww, go go go, are you ready, yucky diaper, night night, and a bunch of other stuff. He loves to make animal noises and imitate whatever sounds he hears around the house. I am going to have to start watching my language though, because the other day he dropped a toy behind the baby gate and said “oh shit.” It’s absolutely adorable coming from a 1 year old…..but not so funny at the same time. 

Luke’s almost done teething I think. His top cuspids are taking their sweet time coming in, and his bottom cuspids look like they are starting to work their way into his mouth. It doesn’t seem to bother him much during the day, but at night he wakes up crying and saying “ouchy” while pointing to his mouth. 

We are down to 1 nap a day if I’m lucky. Lately, Luke hasn’t been napping at all during the day…..but he stared sleeping through the night about 3 months ago. He does already suffer with night terrors. I’m not sure where they come from as he doesn’t really watch anything violent or scary, but he’ll wake once or twice sometimes at night completely inconsolable and scream like his legs just got chopped off if you touch him or talk to him. It’s so sad to watch him scared like that. I think he has my sleep habits when it comes to dreaming and very realistic nightmares. Poor dude. He is still working on transitioning out of our bed, and into his crib. He longs for human contact at night, but at the same time wants to be on his own. Right now, he sleeps most of the way in his crib, with his feet pressed up on my back. Hopefully we can put the mattress down all the way and have him sleep in his own bed by himself here soon. 

I’m not sure where this mentality came from, but every time Luke goes to the bathroom in his diaper he immediately tries to take it off and says “yucky,” and “eeewwww!” We were thinking of trying to potty train him, but weren’t sure how to go about it as he isn’t vocal enough to be able to tell us when he has to go to the bathroom (and I’m not sure 20 ish months is the right time to even start). Yesterday after getting out of the shower, Luke started to pee on the floor. I picked him up and put him on the big boy potty with a potty insert. He finished peeing in the potty, and was so proud of himself. I’m not sure who was more shocked…..him or me. I definitely didn’t intend to start potty training yet, but Luke loved it. I clapped and cheered for him and we sang, “pee pee in the potty, pee pee in the potty!” I kept his diaper off while we were home and any time he needed to potty, he would grab his penis and point towards the bathroom. Around the 3rd time he went pee, he began grabbing his penis and pointing it down towards the water and then shaking it when he was done (someone has been watching daddy). All in all, he went pee 6 times on the big potty…..and shocked me when he pooped in the toilet. From about 3pm to when he went to bed at 9 pm, he didn’t have 1 wet diaper, didn’t pee or poop on my floor once and didn’t pee his undies. 

Luke has started to refine his food preferences. He’s becoming quite the picky little fellow. He loves to snack throughout the day rather than eat a few meals with a morning and afternoon snack. His all time favorites are apple cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast, fruits and veggies throughout the day and either pasta or Beef stew for dinner. He has been eating proficiently with silverware for several months now, and refuses to use the baby silverware. He’s also figured out how to open sippy cups so we have resorted to giving him a trainer cup that releases liquid when he pushes down on the top with his nose. 

We did trial him on Alimentum, but he refuses to drink it. He has successfully had a few bites of dairy containing foods with no reaction, but did poop blood when I gave him a grilled cheese sandwich. I’m giving him a few days and then seeing if he can tolerate soy milk yet. I know soy milk isn’t the perfect solution but it’s a cheaper alternative to Elecare! We aren’t retrying any of his other allergy foods yet though after he had a reaction to egg in mayo. 

Here are some pics of my first little monkey: 

Logan is 4 Months Old!

When my husband and I tied the knot almost 4 years ago, children were a big part of what was next in our future. Struggling to conceive Luke, and even the loss before conceiving Logan, I never imagined actually being in a place where I would be writing an update on how our second baby was doing at 4 months old. I am so proud and excited to say that Logan is doing so amazingly well.

We took Logan in for his 4 month check up today, and he is growing like a little weed. He’s 13 pounds 13 ounces, 25 inches tall and his head circumference is 41.5 cm. (As a comparison, Luke was 13 pounds 10 ounces, 25 inches tall and had a 41 cm head circumference). He is dropping percentiles as far as weight goes, but overall is growing so well that it isn’t really a concern. His ears are clear, his eyes are perfect (although he does have one blocked tear duct that we are hoping resolves by the time he’s 1) and his mouth is superb.

Developmentally, he is ahead of the game…..even for a baby who was born on time. The doctor did say that we should adjust his age since he was born slightly early, but that even without the age adjustment he is beyond where he should be. I think we have his big brother to thank for that. Logan is always trying to do what brother does.

LOVES: momma, daddy and brother, food, sitting in the sit me up chair, his stuffed elephant, sleeping, kisses, warm baths and trying to get brother to pay attention to him.

HATES: tummy time, getting his nose picked, waiting for anything, taking medicine, not being in on the “action”, anything cold, clothes and pacifiers.

Logan has really developed a personality this past couple weeks. He is such a fun loving, smiley little boy. He talks all the time, and lets us know when he’s unhappy. He started laughing about 2 weeks ago, and doesn’t seem to stop. He thinks his brother is the funniest guy around, and even laughed when Luke was horsing around pretending to fall off the bed.

Speaking of sleep, Logan doesn’t really seem to enjoy napping during the day. He’s to the point where he knows that life is continuing around him and doesn’t want to miss anything. When he does sleep, he prefers to be in the rock n play or the crib on his own. He doesn’t like to co-sleep the way Luke did/does. He currently wakes 1-2 times a night, usually between 1 and 2 am, and then again around 5 am for a bottle and then goes right back to sleep. He’s usually up by 7:30, ready to start the day.

As far as feeding goes…..we are switching things up a bit. Logan has been on Elecare since he was 2 weeks old because he was pooping blood on the Similac Alimentum. He has been growing great on the Elecare, but has been throwing up a lot and never seemed to be satisfied. In fact, he would drink approximately 36 ounces of formula a day on the Elecare (and no, we weren’t over feeding him….he was just hungry all the time.) At the recommendation of the GI, we began a trial of the Alimentum ready to feed to see how the milk allergy was going, and to see if corn could be the culprit. I am so pleased to say that Logan passed the trial on ready to feed, so we don’t have to fight with insurance over the Elecare any more. He didn’t pass the powdered Alimentum though. Today we were given the go ahead to give oatmeal a try and see how he does with solids. I think he’ll do okay.

Aside from that, we are still working through some medical stuff with him. He has been vomiting quite a bit lately, and sometimes is a very gross green color. He had an upper GI today to take a peep. His anatomy seems to be where it should and is working fine, but it did show a pretty hefty case of reflux. He’s never seemed to be in pain or anything from it so we didn’t know it was there. He also is anemic, and we are trying to figure out what’s going on with that. At 2 months, his hematocrit level was 8….so super low. We did a repeat blood draw and his numbers had gone up slightly, but were all very consistent with low iron levels. He’s on iron supplements and will have a re-draw in a few weeks. If his numbers don’t go up he’ll probably get a blood transfusion. The thought is that his body killed off a lot of red blood cells when he was in the hospital fighting the unknown infection, and we are just waiting for his body to pick up production on its own….which happens around now anyways.

Here are some pictures of my mini monkey for your viewing pleasure:

It’s Been A Long Time

I haven’t blogged in a really long time. In fact I haven’t done much of anything for myself in a really long time. Life has been crazy busy, and I greatly underestimated what being a stay at home mom would be like…..especially with 2 children under 2. 

Luke and Logan happen to be napping at the same time today…..which happens maybe twice a month. I should be cleaning the house, or doing some work for my LuLaRoe business, or any other number of things. 

Lots of things have been going on here. Luke is doing phenomenal. He is such a happy, loving little boy. He’s so friendly and getting more and more independent every day. His vocabulary has really sprouted within the past week or so, and it is so cute listening to him talk. His animal noises are on point! He’s finally sleeping through the night most nights, and is so close to being in his own bed.

Logan is doing amazingly well too. He had a minor surgery a week and a half ago, but is healing nicely and wasn’t really bothered by it. He’s started talking to us (baby coo’s) and is all smiles when he isn’t sleeping. He even started laughing within the past few days. He doesn’t get much tummy time due to his surgery, but he can roll from his back to his tummy. He loves to eat, loves to sleep and loves to be held. 

Ronny and I are still going strong. I’m tired as tired could be, but such is life. We’re working on a few things that I can’t quite talk about yet, but hopefully something exciting happens soon. 

One Sick Logan

Yesterday I posted that Logan was sick. Boy, oh boy is he sick. So sick in fact, he has landed himself in the hospital. Saturday afternoon, Logan started coughing after I burnt dinner (balsamic roast). The fumes were strong and we were all coughing, so I thought he would get rid of it by morning. Unfortunately on Sunday his cough was worse. I sat in steam with him, my husband sat in steam with him, we turned on a humidifier…..did everything we could to help him feel better. As the day progressed, he got even worse.

Monday morning when the boys and I woke up, Logan’s lips, hands and feet had a blue tint to them. I called into the pediatrician and made an appointment for that same day. I took my mom to an appointment, where Logan slept the entire time. He didn’t appear to be in any distress so we continued about until his appointment.

After checking in and getting called back to the room, I showed the nurse how his face was bluish around his mouth. She agreed and put the o2 meter on him right away. His oxygen level was at 77%, his heart rate was in the 190’s and he was obviously not doing well. The nurse ran out quickly, and in a matter of seconds in came 2 doctors, another nurse, and the original nurse with an oxygen tank. One of the nurses got Logan hooked to the oxygen, another hooked him up to another o2 meter, one took Luke out of the room and carried him around while she checked in other patients, one doctor kept a close watch on Logan and another took notes before calling for an ambulance. Because Logan’s oxygen level was so low, his body was starting to shut down…..reserving what oxygen he had for the brain, lungs and heart. He needed to get to the hospital, and had to be transported via ambulance so that his oxygen levels could be monitored and he could be hooked up to air for the ride.

Ronny was working, so I called him to come pick up Luke from the doctors office. Thankfully, he only works a few blocks away and was able to get to the office just as the paramedics were wheeling Logan and I out. Luke stayed with the nurses until Ronny could get to him. Thankfully, the nurses love him and he loves the nurses so it worked out alright.

Logan and I were put into a room while we waited to find out what was next. He was given oxygen, but every time he was taken off he would drop levels quickly. He had an x-ray taken to rule out pneumonia, and a swab to test for flu and RSV. He tested negative for all 3, was given an albuterol treatment and then admitted because he wasn’t improving.

He had been up and down since Monday night. Sometimes he would be looking great and they would try to take him off the oxygen and he would plummet way too quickly back into the 70’s. Sometimes they had the oxygen on full blast and he was still struggling. He wasn’t eating, wasn’t peeing or pooping, and was just miserable. An IV was started, along with a high pressure o2 thing and more oxygen. His chest was so tight and so full of thick, sticky mucus that he struggled to breathe. Thursday night he seemed to take a turn for the better. He started coughing up mucus and was more alert. The albuterol treatments really helped and he was improving quickly. He did suffer a minor set back, and his heartrate skyrocketed into the 200’s, as a side effect of the albuterol.

After that little episode, Logan started rapidly improving. He went down from 8 liters of pressure to 4 liters, and from 30% oxygen to 25%. The next thing we knew, he was totally off of the high pressure and didn’t need oxygen anymore either. He fell asleep where he passed his first check to go home. In order to go home, he needs to maintain at least 88% oxygen for 2 hours while asleep. He’s been holding stead at 95% without support all day now. He is still hooked to the IV and monitors to make sure that he’s hydrated and monitor his o2 levels, respiratory rate and heart rate, but it’s more precautionary than necessary.

He is currently resting, waiting to see when we can go home. We are hoping sometime today, but it may be tomorrow.

 

MIA

You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t been blogging for a little bit now. Honestly, I had to take a step back from quite a few things because so much was going on in life, and I just couldn’t handle it all very well. Right now, at this very moment, things are still working themselves out…..

Everyone was so kind in my last post, reaching out and offering support. I spoke to my OB at my 6 week postpartum appointment about everything that was going on, and she put me on an anti-depressant for postpartum depression. I am happy to report that the medicine seems to be helping quite a bit, and I am starting to cope with things a little bit better. I definitely don’t feel like I was, and I really think the meds are helping.

Luke has been doing fabulous. He’s up to 33 inches and 22 pounds 3 ounces…..a tall, skinny boy. He definitely doesn’t look like a toddler any more! He’s saying more things each day. Right now his most frequently used words are: mom, dad, hot, hot dog, hi, down, all done and the noise an elephant makes. He’s very vocal and we think he’ll probably go from knowing a ton of words and not using them, to full on sentences here soon. He is absolutely amazing, and so full of life. The kid never stops moving. He’s always on the go, looking for new ways to accomplish his goals. He’s a quick learner……even quicker when it’s something he shouldn’t do. He loves to stand under the water in the shower, and he’s getting better at soaping himself up.

He absolutely cracks me up. He has to take a shower in the morning. When he’s done in the shower he has to clean out his ears, put deodorant on, brush his hair and brush his teeth. He’s recently taken a fancy to getting a squirt of daddy’s cologne too. (We don’t actually put deodorant or cologne on him, but he thinks we do) He’s really become independent and will play on his own for a little while, before seeking company. The newest development with him is that he is now sleeping in his own (sorta) bed, and has started sleeping through the night. We raised up his crib mattress to the height of our bed and put Mickey Mouse sheets on, and he has started sleeping in his crib, next to me on the bed. He would not sleep on his own otherwise, but we are working slowly on lowering the bed and then moving it further away from ours.

Logan is doing great. We have met and graduated from quite a few specialists. He does have an innocent murmur like Luke, but nothing to be concerned about. We are doing everything right as far as his formula goes by putting him on Elecare. Eventually we will do a milk trial, but not anytime soon. He does have to have his hernia surgically repaired. It is in a place that won’t heal on it’s own, and is slightly protruding. His hips not only show no signs of dysplasia, but are more in the socket than most babies his age which is amazing given the fact he was 3 weeks early. We have yet to meet with a neurosurgeon to evaluate him for a tethered cord because Logan got sick and wound up in the hospital. (More on that later).

Logan is such an amazing little baby. He only gets fussy when he’s hungry. He does have a quick temper, and is a very serious little fella. He’s fine just hanging out wherever until he gets hungry, and then he goes from 0 to 20 real quick. As soon as a bottle is in his mouth he’s fine. He is starting to be more alert, and makes the cutest little face when he’s looking around. He love love loves his brother. Luke seems to be Logan’s calming force in life, and vise versa. Logan could be crying super hard, and Luke will come up and give him a smooch and Logan will calm right down. Luke could be in the midst of a melt down, and a “kiss” from Logan will get him settled quick. I am so glad that they love eachother, and you can tell when they are together that they already share a special bond.

Here are some recent pics of my little loves:

 

All the Feelings

I’m just going to come out and say it…..I hate hormones. I hate how they ebb and flow, I hate how they intensify feelings and I hate the way they twist my mind. I’ve been having all sorts of feelings, and I can’t tell if it’s normal postnatal hormone shifts, postpartum depression or just plain normal feelings. 

Before I go on, please know that I havent completely lost my mind. Mentally I know that I have an amazing life. I have a husband who loves me more than I could have ever imagined, two amazing little boys who are both healthy and mostly happy (well….they can’t be happy 100% of the time), I have a family who loves me and supports me, a roof over my head, food to eat if/when I’m hungry and have been blessed to find a career that I can do from home. My life would be perfect if it weren’t for all the feelings.

It’s no secret that I am an emotional person on a normal day. My emotions usually outweigh logic in almost all circumstances. I can’t help it, it’s who I am. But lately I have been having some pretty extreme feelings. Feelings that I am having a hard time working through. I know what I’m feeling but i can’t tell if it is shifting hormones making me a bit crazy, or if they are legit. They all have come about with being pregnant with Logan, and since his birth. 

Everything kind of blends into a smorgasbord of anger, guilt, and sadness….with a bit of happiness thrown in.

  • I feel incredibly guilty for getting pregnant with, carrying and now having a second child. Luke really got the short end of the stick with my pregnancy. His entire life was going to change, and he had no idea what was coming. I was so sick that I could barely take care of him, and missed out on a large portion of his first year of life because of it. I couldn’t get down on the floor and play with him, couldn’t take him anywhere to do fun stuff with him and could barely feed him without sending myself running for the bathroom. Luke absolutely loves his little brother, but I still feel so bad for having another baby and taking attention away from Luke. 

  • Ronny and my relationship started to struggle when I had Luke. My life no longer revolved around making sure my husband was happy, but instead making sure our son was happy, healthy and well taken care of. Our life went from constantly being together, to Ronny working and doing his thing and me taking care of Luke. When home we were barely in the same room and most conversations were done via text. When we found out Logan was coming, my husband became a very angry man. We spent even less time together, and 90% of the time we were together we were either fighting or he was yelling at me and/or Luke. I wanted to leave. I thought that if I packed up and left, my husband and Luke would both have a happier life. 

The day that Logan arrived in the world was one of the best days of my life, and one of the worst. 

  • Before we ever even went to our 37 week appointment, I told my husband that I wanted one last moment with Luke before Logan came. I wanted to say goodbye to my only baby before his life (all of our lives) changed forever. That didn’t happen. My final farewell to Luke was a quick kiss in the car before Ronny drove away at the hospital. In fact, this is the last time I remember seeing him until the day after Logan was born. Because the c-section was rushed, my husband had to go home and pack bags for both Luke to spend the night at my parents, and for us in the hospital….and take Luke over to my parents and await the arrival of someone to help my mom take care of Luke (she had neck surgery 5 days beforehand, thinking we had another week and a half to recover). Everything was so rushed that I didn’t get a final moment with Luke. 
  • I spent most of the day alone in a hospital room, in active labor. I was by myself, and I was terrified that something was going to happen and no one would even know. My appointment was at 9am, my husband didn’t get back to the hospital until 2pm and I was taken back for the c-section at 5. In the time before the surgery started, we didn’t talk much. I laid there, crying silently to myself and my husband sat there reading up on football stuff for his fantasy teams. 
  • I missed out on the birth of our son. Thanks to my stupid body, I am not a candidate for a spinal, and had to be completely under….resulting in missing his birth. I begged my husband to take pictures of Logan’s arrival. He didn’t. From what I gather after the fact, ronny sat in a chair near my head for a few minutes and then was called over to the corner of the room after Logan came out to see him and take pictures. Ronny did a really good job at taking pics of Logan after the nurses had started their exams, but there is a good chunk of the actual delivery and moments afterwards that are completely missing…..moments that I’ll never even get to know about. 
  • I told both my husband and my mom multiple times that I wanted to be present for the moment that Luke and Logan met. Not only did I want to be present, but I wanted it to be just the 4 of us. Guess what? That didn’t happen. I’m not even sure where the breakdown happened. I remember trying to wipe my eyes after the surgery and everyone yelling at me, and the next thing I remember my family members were all in the recovery room. At that point, Luke and Logan had already met (don’t remember it at all). So not only did I miss my sons meeting for the first time (and yes, I say missed since I do not have any memory of it happening even though I was in the room), but no one thought to take any pictures or video of it so I can’t even go back and relive the moment. This one I think is legitimately being incredibly sad and incredibly angry at the whole situation, and not just postnatal hormones. 
  • If pre-surgery was any indication of how the rest of the hospital stay would go….. I spent the majority of the 5 days in the hospital alone with a newborn and almost completely unable to move. Do you know how hard it is to take care of a tiny little person, when you can’t even sit up in bed without being in so much pain that you literally cry with every movement? My parents, brother and his girlfriend and sister, brother in law and nephews did visit us the second day we were in the hospital, and my sister visited for like an hour on day 3….but that was it. I pretty much spent the entire hospital stay in tears. 
  • I completely missed out on Luke’s first real thanksgiving. No one visited. No one called. No one took or sent me any pictures. My thanksgiving dinner consisted of eating cold mashed potatoes, alone (that my husband brought up at the end of the night, before going home with Luke) off of a thin wooden stick that was meant to take a sample of Logan’s poop the next time he went #2. Do you know how hard it is to eat mashed potatoes off of something half the width of your pinky? I do. 

Things haven’t gotten any easier since we’ve been home.

  • I struggle daily with feelings of extreme sadness and guilt. Logan shouldn’t even be here until today, but because my body is such a failure, he’s already been here for almost 3 weeks. I thank God that he came out perfect and didn’t need any time in the nicu or have any major problems at birth (aside from the milk allergy and possible hip/spine issues)
  • I am still in a great deal of pain, and almost always refuse to take the pain pills. They give me really bad dreams and I can’t bear to see another family member die in my dreams. 
  • I still am having troubles taking care of the house and kids. I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother. How am I any good for my family if I can’t take care of them? Every day I think about packing a bag and leaving. I think that they would all be so much better off without me around. And then I feel extremely guilty for even considering leaving these two precious boys and my amazing husband.

I have so many more feelings. Feelings that I don’t even want to say. I’m scared to say them and let them into my brain. I don’t want to be consumed by the hate, by the anger, by the sadness and guilt. I want my hormones to settle and for the feelings of inadequacy to go away. I want to be a good wife….a good mother and most of all happy. I want to be okay again. 

The Other Stuff

In my previous post, I mentioned Logan having a few potential problems. At the time I couldn’t even talk about it without bursting into tears. In fact, thinking about what’s going on with him, and what it would mean for his future still brings me to tears. So many people have reached out concerned for every one and it has allowed me to talk about it now.

The first thing going on is actually with Luke. A while back I noticed that one of Luke’s feet turns in when he walks. I hadn’t given it much thought, but brought it up with his pediatrician at his 15 month appointment. She saw what I had mentioned, and wants to keep an eye on it. She said that toddler bones and ligaments are still developing and setting where they will be, so his gait could straighten out on its own….or it could not and he would need to wear a special brace to train his legs to go the correct way when he walks. Only time will tell with that. 

I also mentioned that his rib cage curves out like mine does. For those of you who don’t know, I have a concave Chest. We are watching this too, as it has the potential to cause some not so great side effects. 

Logan isn’t free from things too. At his 2 week appointment he was still testing positive for blood in his poop. We moved him to elecare to see if that would be better. Not that big of a deal, but still kind of sucky. 

At birth, I noticed what appeared to me to be a funny looking butt crack. His butt has a very deep dimple at the top, and a bit of a curve to it. I asked the pediatrician to take a peek when she came to visit in the hospital, thinking she would say it was normal. She didn’t….. She said that it does look weird and could possibly be either spina bifida or a tethered cord. Given the way his back and butt look and my medical history with spina bifida occulta, they are sending us to get an ultrasound of his back to make sure everything is okay. What is concerning is that there is family history of spina bifida, and spina bifida can be a contributing factor in breech babies. If it’s a tethered cord, he will need surgery to untether the cord to spare him a life of pain. 

I already mentioned the possibility of Logan’s hips being in the wrong position. We have to go in for an ultrasound to check. The pediatrician said she would be surprised if they were out of socket based on the way she can move his hips….but he cries any time we manipulate his legs so who knows. 

The other thing that is going on with Logan is he has a tiny umbilical hernia. Right now we are just going to keep an eye on it and see if it resolves on its own as Logan grows. Since he was a bit early, his abdominal muscles aren’t as strong as a full term baby’s and it could just need time to strengthen. If at anytime it gets bigger, or gets stuck out, we are to go immediately to the er where he will be prepped to repair it. 

Finally, Logan appears to have a chordee like his older brother. We couldn’t tell when he was just new, but as he’s getting older and growing it is much more noticeable that his penis is curving downward just as Luke’s did. This isn’t a super big deal right now, but will require surgery to repair. 

So…..I’m stressed! It’s hard to know that so many things that have the potential for problems could be going on with my tiniest baby. He’s such a sweet and very serious little man. I just want the absolute best for him. I want them both to live a normal, healthy, pain free life. The mom guilt, knowing that my babies may have problems is so unreal. Mentally I know that I did everything I could to keep them happy, healthy and alive…..but emotionally I am beating myself up hardcore knowing that they maybe wouldn’t have the problems if I wasn’t so sick and didn’t have so much other stuff going on when I was pregnant. I feel like any and all problems they may have are my fault, and I can’t bear to think about the future because I feel so bad. 

If you could just send positive thoughts and prayers our way….