I Can’t Sleep

I am so incredibly tired, and yet I cannot seem to fall asleep. I’m sitting in bed with Luke snuggled around my waist, watching Big Brother After Dark and researching a business idea that I have. It’s still in the works though so I can’t say much about it (wouldn’t want anyone to steal my idea and make gazillions instead of me…..although I don’t really think it’s a gazillion dollar idea). So much is going on in my mind right now and I just can’t seem to make my brain stop.

My oldest little is going to be 2 in 10 days. I CANNOT believe how fast that has gone. His party is in the works and I have this week to make his decorations, get the food, get him presents and all the rest of the logistics. Luke LOVES dinosaurs, so we are having a dinosaur themed party at a local park with a giant dinosaur in it. He’s played there a few times and has had a blast. I just hope it isn’t too busy. Either way, I’m sure he’ll have a blast.

My phone was lost/stolen a few weeks ago (a few days before we found out we lost Lily). I got a super cheap piece of crap phone from Walmart in the mean time. I am sooooo happy that my insurance claim has gone through and my replacement phone will be here on Monday. I want my iPhone back! The plan for this crappy phone is to delete most of the stuff on it and download some games for Luke to play while we are out and about so he leaves my phone alone LOL. Guess we’ll see how that goes!

Logan has fallen into a pretty hefty sleep strike. He used to go to bed so easily, but this past 3 weeks or so he has really had a hard time falling asleep. We (mostly me, but Daddy steps in occasionally) have to bounce and rock him for upwards of 45 minutes before he finally falls asleep. He is rejecting the bottle more and more in lieu of solids. He’s doing really well and has adapted to both purees and tiny chunks of food. So far we have been VERY lucky that he hasn’t shown any signs of allergies yet. He does seem to have asthma like the rest of us but that’s okay.

Now that I am not pregnant, I am starting to work on the two businesses I started before we found out we were expecting. I joined Young Living and love the oils. Every night I diffuse lavender before bed and it relaxes the boys into a sleepy relaxation. I have also been diffusing a few different oils to help with mood support and have even made a spray bottle of bug spray for when we go out into the back yard. Ronny wouldn’t wear it and got like 40 mosquito bites. I sprayed me and the boys and we didn’t have a single bite on us. It’s also done an excellent job of keeping creepy crawlies outside.

I’ve been working on Perfectly Posh as well, although I’m not sure where this one is going to go yet. I love that everything is cruelty, parabin, sulfate and soy/gluten free….and the fact that everything is under $25 and most things are included in the buy 5 get the 6th free promo. Can’t go wrong with quality pampering products that don’t break the bank. The boys love the big fat yummy hand creams. Luke is always bringing me a bottle to give him a dab.

There is so much to do and no time to do any of it!

Advertisements

One Last Goodbye

I am so unbelievably thankful for how amazing the funeral home we chose to have Lily’s remains sent to has been. From our first conversation, they have done everything in their power to ensure that our little girl was taken care of in a respectful and caring manner.

Ronny and I had an appointment scheduled yesterday to sign the legal paperwork giving them permission to cremate Lily, get her death certificate from the state and say our final goodbyes before she is cremated. When we arrived, we were taken back to a conference type room, where we first went over information on Lily’s death certificate. We then went over paperwork to have her cremated, and learned a little bit about the process. We had the option to be there while she was cremated, but I honestly don’t think I can emotionally handle watching this part. We were told that she would be gently placed in a small wooden casket, and then cremated.

When all the legal paperwork was signed, the funeral director brought in a tray of sorts with various options for an urn for her ashes. After discussing the options and revealing that we were planning on placing her ashes into a teddy bear, we decided to have her remains placed in a velvet bag so that it wouldn’t weigh down the bear in an odd way.

We were then taken to a small viewing room to spend some time with Lily. The funeral director made sure that her remains were treated with dignity and respect. She was wrapped in a small baby blanket, with a ribbon tied around it to keep us from accidentally opening the blanket. She was then laid on a small pillow inside of a basket, with a candle burning on one side, and a teddy bear on the other.

20106329_10101001242230063_182899352112594641_n

We were left in the room alone with our precious angel. I told her over and over how sorry I was that she died, and that I love her now and always. I told her that I wish we had gotten to say hello before we had to say goodbye, and just how much she means to me. I held her in my hands and could feel her body in the wrapping. It was so light. She was so tiny. I didn’t expect her to be that small.

20139882_10101001242050423_5142991837999172802_n

Her daddy was there the whole time, talking to her too. I don’t really know what he said because I was so wrapped up in my own grieving process. I was painfully happy when he asked me if I wanted one last picture with our Lily.

20046623_10101001242015493_8473958795442668023_n

I didn’t want to leave her there. I didn’t want to walk away from my little girl. I had such a hard time putting her down and saying goodbye. I cried, HARD. How was I supposed to just leave my baby girl to be cremated when I so desperately wanted to be her mom? I was supposed to keep her safe and protected. I did my best, but she died anyways. With one last kiss, and one last “I love you,” we turned and walked out of the room. The funeral director said that she would remain there, just like that with a light on.

Goodbye sweet Lily.

We learned today that the genetic testing report was already back on Lily’s remains. Genetically she was absolutely perfect, so there is still no clear cut reason why she passed away. We will speak more with an OB on Monday but at this point, the thought is that Lily was struggling to get proper nutrition due to several areas in which the placenta was not attached to my uterus. There could have also been an underlying medical condition in me that went untreated and caused her early departure from this world. We will know more hopefully on Monday. 

What Comes Next For Us?

Our sweet Lily was picked up from the hospital by the mortuary today. So the big question is what comes next? Our original plan with this surprise pregnancy was that I was going to have a tubal ligation regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy. My pregnancy with Lily was HARD, probably harder than it was with either of the boys, and it has really taken a toll on my body.

Our plans have changed considerably. Right now we are just trying to process what has happened and let ourselves work through the feelings. We are trying to get back to life as normal, so that the boys still have a fairly normal day going. My parents have been so amazing stepping in to help me with the boys as needed since I am under medical restriction for a few more days. I am going to start working on building up the two direct sales businesses I got involved with right before we found out we were expecting. I had to put it all on hold because I wasn’t feeling well enough to really work the business, but now that I’m not pregnant I can start really putting an effort in.

As far as trying again goes, we have decided to put off the tubal ligation for now. In the past, we have started trying again once I was cleared post miscarriage. Because we weren’t trying at the time, we have decided to go back to our original plan from after we had Logan. I am going to back onto birth control, and let my body heal back up from back to back pregnancies. I am going to start working out, eating healthier than I have been and focusing more on myself. My husband and I are going to work on getting financially back on track and getting this house fixed up and hopefully back on the market.

We have tossed around  the idea of IVF with ICSI in the future to make sure that our baby is healthy and doesn’t have any genetic issues, but that isn’t set in stone yet. The only thing we have agreed on is that we would like to try one more time to have a third child.

Saying Goodbye to my Lily Angel part 2

Warning: this post will go over a good part of what happened before, during and after my D&E. Portions of the day will be purposefully left out to protect my privacy. 

It’s done. My little girl has been taken from my body, and I never got to see or hold her. The morning felt like it was dragging by. What felt like hours passing had only been minutes. I spent the morning crying off and on waiting to leave for the hospital. I was to check in at 3 pm and surgery was scheduled for 5. We left the house at 1:45 to drop the boys off at my parents before getting Ronny some lunch and heading to the hospital.

The waiting room was empty when we arrived. My surgery was scheduled for the end of the day so everyone was going home. The nurses were all very nice and showed sympathy for our situation. We talked a lot about the boys and how this pregnancy was such an unexpected but welcome surprise, and how unfair it was that we were blessed with a little girl who defied the odds only to pass away anyways. I told the nurse that while I believe that Lily is in heaven, I wished God would have kept her with him until he was ready for us to meet her than to lose her.

After the paperwork was signed and my pre-surgery meds were administered, I gave my husband tons of smooches, apologized profusely to him and cried as they wheeled me back to the operating room. Once in the operating room, I was asked to transfer to the operating table, lining my butt up with a hole in the middle of the table. I scootched over and laid on the table crying. My arm began to burn as they injected me with the general anesthesia, and before too long I was asleep.

I was not awake for this part, but my husband has told me what transpired while I was asleep. Portions of this will be left out.

Despite being under general anesthesia, I cried the entire time. The doctor struggled a bit to get my cervix dilated, but was able to get it after a bit. I bled a lot more during the procedure than they anticipated, especially given the fact that I was given a DDAVP before the procedure to help with clotting. They aren’t sure why I bled so heavily. The procedure was finished up, and as they were waking me I started yelling, “give me back my baby, give me back my baby.” I remember someone saying shhhh and that it was going to be okay. I was taken to the recovery room to sleep. My husband said that when the doctor came out to discuss the procedure with him she was fighting back tears the entire time.

In the recovery room, I woke up vomiting and was given iv phenergan and zofran. I was also give 2 doses of morphine for pain. Once I was able to see my husband, I was in a mad dash to get out of the door. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t want to be anywhere near the surgery center that had just taken my baby from me. They wouldn’t release me until I went to the bathroom and ate something. I scarfed down some crackers, rushed through the bathroom and asked to go home. We left the hospital at 8:30 with prescriptions for pain meds and an antianxiety med.

I can’t believe my little girl is gone. She is so loved and so wanted, and was ripped away from us. I don’t understand why she passed away, or how I am supposed to go on without her in our lives. I think about her constantly and miss her so much.

I love you baby girl.

Saying Goodbye to Lily Part 1

My daughter was ready for wings before she made it into this world. After a weekend of no nausea whatsoever, cramping, spotting and the passing of a clot on Sunday, I called my OB Monday morning. They had me come in to take a peek and see if Lily was doing okay. As it turned out, my beautiful little girl wasn’t okay….

I went to see my diabetes doctor on July 5th, and that night I used the Doppler I have at home to check and see how Lily was doing. Her heartbeat was nice and strong, and easy to find. The next morning I woke up and I wasn’t nauseous at all. For the first time in 13 weeks I felt great. I didn’t puke at all that day, but that night I couldn’t find Lily on the Doppler. I don’t normally check in daily, but the sudden loss of sickness had me concerned. I made excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t find her heartbeat but vowed to try again the next day.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday all went by with no sickness and no heartbeat to be found on the monitor. I kept making  excuses for why I couldn’t find her heartbeat……she’s too little to be able to find all the time, I have an anterior placenta so maybe shes just behind that, she’s sleeping, she’s down low….. the list goes on and on. Sunday, I cut my leg open kicking Luke’s milk cup out from under the bed and wound up getting a couple stitches in my leg. I should have had them check on Lily while I was in the E.R.

Monday morning I called the OB and let them know what was going on, and scheduled an appointment for 2:30pm. When I got to the office my OB had just been called out to deliver a baby, so I had to see one of the other doctors in the clinic. She had me undress from the waste down and used the vaginal probe to look at the baby. Her face very quickly went from one that was smiling, to one that was struggling to hold back tears. After what seemed like hours, she finally said that she could still see Lily in my uterus, but unfortunately she could not find a heartbeat and the baby wasn’t showing any signs of movement. My sweet baby girls heart stopped beating 5 days before I went to the doctor……the day I woke up not nauseous…..days after having made it to the second trimester and reaching the safe zone.

I started to cry and asked her to bring someone else in to make sure my baby was gone. I also asked that they turn the tv on so that I could see it for myself. Another doctor came in and did another scan. Lily was so still. There was no movement from her at all. My normally busy little girl was so peaceful. I asked for one last photo of my baby girl, and they printed me off a few.

So what comes next? I will undergo a D&E tomorrow (Wednesday) under general anesthesia. A vaginal delivery was an option because she was still so small, but would have taken days upon days to prep my body for her delivery and had a high risk of hemorrhage because of my platelet issue. I called the insurance company and explained to them that I had a second trimester pregnancy loss and they agreed to cover the cost of a fetal autopsy and genetic testing to see if there was a chromosomal issue that caused her death. I contacted a local funeral home, who has agreed to cremate Lily and return her ashes to my husband and myself. We will each carry around a key chain with some of her ashes in it, and the rest of her ashes will be in an urn inside of a teddy bear made from material left over from my wedding dress. We will have a chaplain bless her remains when she is born as well. Because we lost Lily in the second trimester, she is eligible in the state of Colorado to receive a fetal death certificate.

Why did this have to happen? Why would GOD give me a little girl, only to take her away from me. I miss you my sweet girl.

 

This post was written on July 11th

Second Trimester, Here We Come

Today is the first official day of the second trimester!!!! We have made it out of the danger zone, and I can breathe a bit easier. Here are my bump pictures from the first trimester….

It’s so amazing to see how differently I have carried each baby up to this point. My belly with the boys has a much more dramatic slope and in all honesty was lower than where my belly sits with Lily.

We’ve started planning my baby shower. I am super excited about the decorations and the invitations. We are using tulle from my wedding to make tutus to put on the card stock onsies, and we found some satin Lilies to use as table decorations. My baby shower is going to be kind of early this time (really this is the first actual baby shower I am getting) because 1) my baby shower with Logan was scheduled for pretty late in my pregnancy because my sister wouldn’t be out until Thanksgiving……and he was born early so very few people came, and 2) my mom is having back surgery in September and will be down for a few months.

I also met with the diabetes doctor today. He was livid that the high risk ob insisted that I didn’t have diabetes. He said it is very possible after having dropped 50 pounds and eating right/exercising that it was controlled, but I definitely do have diabetes. He ran a bunch of blood tests, I did a 24 hour urine hold and he did a quick urine dip. I should know the results from all of that in a few days.

13.5 weeks down, 10.5 to viability and 24-26 left to go!

Please note this post was written on July 5th

NT Scan

Today was my NT scan. Lily is doing so well in there! We were sent to a geneticist, who has basically made a career out of first trimester screenings. He has been in his own practice for 45 years! He was old as hell, but boy did he know his stuff.

We had to do the NT scan out of order because Lily was refusing to cooperate. Her heart rate was slightly higher than they normally want to see, but she was jumping around and kicking her little legs so he wasn’t too concerned. She was measuring spot on 12+3, which was my due date based on measurements. He measured my little Lily bean at just over 2 inches crown to rump, and her long legs were measuring about 2 inches as well.

The little sac of fluid that they look at behind the neck was almost non existent. Based on measurement, our odds of Lily having something wrong were 1:845 and >1:10,000. The blood test results drastically dropped both of those numbers.

Overall, Lily is looking perfect in there. She is snug as a bug and growing like a weed! We got a disc of pictures, but I don’t have a computer with a disc drive so I will have to upload them later.

Please note that this post was written on June 28th