One Last Goodbye

I am so unbelievably thankful for how amazing the funeral home we chose to have Lily’s remains sent to has been. From our first conversation, they have done everything in their power to ensure that our little girl was taken care of in a respectful and caring manner.

Ronny and I had an appointment scheduled yesterday to sign the legal paperwork giving them permission to cremate Lily, get her death certificate from the state and say our final goodbyes before she is cremated. When we arrived, we were taken back to a conference type room, where we first went over information on Lily’s death certificate. We then went over paperwork to have her cremated, and learned a little bit about the process. We had the option to be there while she was cremated, but I honestly don’t think I can emotionally handle watching this part. We were told that she would be gently placed in a small wooden casket, and then cremated.

When all the legal paperwork was signed, the funeral director brought in a tray of sorts with various options for an urn for her ashes. After discussing the options and revealing that we were planning on placing her ashes into a teddy bear, we decided to have her remains placed in a velvet bag so that it wouldn’t weigh down the bear in an odd way.

We were then taken to a small viewing room to spend some time with Lily. The funeral director made sure that her remains were treated with dignity and respect. She was wrapped in a small baby blanket, with a ribbon tied around it to keep us from accidentally opening the blanket. She was then laid on a small pillow inside of a basket, with a candle burning on one side, and a teddy bear on the other.

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We were left in the room alone with our precious angel. I told her over and over how sorry I was that she died, and that I love her now and always. I told her that I wish we had gotten to say hello before we had to say goodbye, and just how much she means to me. I held her in my hands and could feel her body in the wrapping. It was so light. She was so tiny. I didn’t expect her to be that small.

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Her daddy was there the whole time, talking to her too. I don’t really know what he said because I was so wrapped up in my own grieving process. I was painfully happy when he asked me if I wanted one last picture with our Lily.

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I didn’t want to leave her there. I didn’t want to walk away from my little girl. I had such a hard time putting her down and saying goodbye. I cried, HARD. How was I supposed to just leave my baby girl to be cremated when I so desperately wanted to be her mom? I was supposed to keep her safe and protected. I did my best, but she died anyways. With one last kiss, and one last “I love you,” we turned and walked out of the room. The funeral director said that she would remain there, just like that with a light on.

Goodbye sweet Lily.

We learned today that the genetic testing report was already back on Lily’s remains. Genetically she was absolutely perfect, so there is still no clear cut reason why she passed away. We will speak more with an OB on Monday but at this point, the thought is that Lily was struggling to get proper nutrition due to several areas in which the placenta was not attached to my uterus. There could have also been an underlying medical condition in me that went untreated and caused her early departure from this world. We will know more hopefully on Monday. 

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4 thoughts on “One Last Goodbye

  1. I cannot even express how completely sorry I am for you both. My heart honestly breaks and I’ve never cried so hard on a single post than I have with this one. My heart and prayers are out for all of you during this time.. I’m so, so sorry

    Liked by 1 person

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