Saying Goodbye to my Lily Angel part 2

Warning: this post will go over a good part of what happened before, during and after my D&E. Portions of the day will be purposefully left out to protect my privacy. 

It’s done. My little girl has been taken from my body, and I never got to see or hold her. The morning felt like it was dragging by. What felt like hours passing had only been minutes. I spent the morning crying off and on waiting to leave for the hospital. I was to check in at 3 pm and surgery was scheduled for 5. We left the house at 1:45 to drop the boys off at my parents before getting Ronny some lunch and heading to the hospital.

The waiting room was empty when we arrived. My surgery was scheduled for the end of the day so everyone was going home. The nurses were all very nice and showed sympathy for our situation. We talked a lot about the boys and how this pregnancy was such an unexpected but welcome surprise, and how unfair it was that we were blessed with a little girl who defied the odds only to pass away anyways. I told the nurse that while I believe that Lily is in heaven, I wished God would have kept her with him until he was ready for us to meet her than to lose her.

After the paperwork was signed and my pre-surgery meds were administered, I gave my husband tons of smooches, apologized profusely to him and cried as they wheeled me back to the operating room. Once in the operating room, I was asked to transfer to the operating table, lining my butt up with a hole in the middle of the table. I scootched over and laid on the table crying. My arm began to burn as they injected me with the general anesthesia, and before too long I was asleep.

I was not awake for this part, but my husband has told me what transpired while I was asleep. Portions of this will be left out.

Despite being under general anesthesia, I cried the entire time. The doctor struggled a bit to get my cervix dilated, but was able to get it after a bit. I bled a lot more during the procedure than they anticipated, especially given the fact that I was given a DDAVP before the procedure to help with clotting. They aren’t sure why I bled so heavily. The procedure was finished up, and as they were waking me I started yelling, “give me back my baby, give me back my baby.” I remember someone saying shhhh and that it was going to be okay. I was taken to the recovery room to sleep. My husband said that when the doctor came out to discuss the procedure with him she was fighting back tears the entire time.

In the recovery room, I woke up vomiting and was given iv phenergan and zofran. I was also give 2 doses of morphine for pain. Once I was able to see my husband, I was in a mad dash to get out of the door. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t want to be anywhere near the surgery center that had just taken my baby from me. They wouldn’t release me until I went to the bathroom and ate something. I scarfed down some crackers, rushed through the bathroom and asked to go home. We left the hospital at 8:30 with prescriptions for pain meds and an antianxiety med.

I can’t believe my little girl is gone. She is so loved and so wanted, and was ripped away from us. I don’t understand why she passed away, or how I am supposed to go on without her in our lives. I think about her constantly and miss her so much.

I love you baby girl.

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