Saying Goodbye to Lily Part 1

My daughter was ready for wings before she made it into this world. After a weekend of no nausea whatsoever, cramping, spotting and the passing of a clot on Sunday, I called my OB Monday morning. They had me come in to take a peek and see if Lily was doing okay. As it turned out, my beautiful little girl wasn’t okay….

I went to see my diabetes doctor on July 5th, and that night I used the Doppler I have at home to check and see how Lily was doing. Her heartbeat was nice and strong, and easy to find. The next morning I woke up and I wasn’t nauseous at all. For the first time in 13 weeks I felt great. I didn’t puke at all that day, but that night I couldn’t find Lily on the Doppler. I don’t normally check in daily, but the sudden loss of sickness had me concerned. I made excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t find her heartbeat but vowed to try again the next day.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday all went by with no sickness and no heartbeat to be found on the monitor. I kept making  excuses for why I couldn’t find her heartbeat……she’s too little to be able to find all the time, I have an anterior placenta so maybe shes just behind that, she’s sleeping, she’s down low….. the list goes on and on. Sunday, I cut my leg open kicking Luke’s milk cup out from under the bed and wound up getting a couple stitches in my leg. I should have had them check on Lily while I was in the E.R.

Monday morning I called the OB and let them know what was going on, and scheduled an appointment for 2:30pm. When I got to the office my OB had just been called out to deliver a baby, so I had to see one of the other doctors in the clinic. She had me undress from the waste down and used the vaginal probe to look at the baby. Her face very quickly went from one that was smiling, to one that was struggling to hold back tears. After what seemed like hours, she finally said that she could still see Lily in my uterus, but unfortunately she could not find a heartbeat and the baby wasn’t showing any signs of movement. My sweet baby girls heart stopped beating 5 days before I went to the doctor……the day I woke up not nauseous…..days after having made it to the second trimester and reaching the safe zone.

I started to cry and asked her to bring someone else in to make sure my baby was gone. I also asked that they turn the tv on so that I could see it for myself. Another doctor came in and did another scan. Lily was so still. There was no movement from her at all. My normally busy little girl was so peaceful. I asked for one last photo of my baby girl, and they printed me off a few.

So what comes next? I will undergo a D&E tomorrow (Wednesday) under general anesthesia. A vaginal delivery was an option because she was still so small, but would have taken days upon days to prep my body for her delivery and had a high risk of hemorrhage because of my platelet issue. I called the insurance company and explained to them that I had a second trimester pregnancy loss and they agreed to cover the cost of a fetal autopsy and genetic testing to see if there was a chromosomal issue that caused her death. I contacted a local funeral home, who has agreed to cremate Lily and return her ashes to my husband and myself. We will each carry around a key chain with some of her ashes in it, and the rest of her ashes will be in an urn inside of a teddy bear made from material left over from my wedding dress. We will have a chaplain bless her remains when she is born as well. Because we lost Lily in the second trimester, she is eligible in the state of Colorado to receive a fetal death certificate.

Why did this have to happen? Why would GOD give me a little girl, only to take her away from me. I miss you my sweet girl.

 

This post was written on July 11th