I’m just going to come out and say it…..I hate hormones. I hate how they ebb and flow, I hate how they intensify feelings and I hate the way they twist my mind. I’ve been having all sorts of feelings, and I can’t tell if it’s normal postnatal hormone shifts, postpartum depression or just plain normal feelings.
Before I go on, please know that I havent completely lost my mind. Mentally I know that I have an amazing life. I have a husband who loves me more than I could have ever imagined, two amazing little boys who are both healthy and mostly happy (well….they can’t be happy 100% of the time), I have a family who loves me and supports me, a roof over my head, food to eat if/when I’m hungry and have been blessed to find a career that I can do from home. My life would be perfect if it weren’t for all the feelings.
It’s no secret that I am an emotional person on a normal day. My emotions usually outweigh logic in almost all circumstances. I can’t help it, it’s who I am. But lately I have been having some pretty extreme feelings. Feelings that I am having a hard time working through. I know what I’m feeling but i can’t tell if it is shifting hormones making me a bit crazy, or if they are legit. They all have come about with being pregnant with Logan, and since his birth.
Everything kind of blends into a smorgasbord of anger, guilt, and sadness….with a bit of happiness thrown in.
- I feel incredibly guilty for getting pregnant with, carrying and now having a second child. Luke really got the short end of the stick with my pregnancy. His entire life was going to change, and he had no idea what was coming. I was so sick that I could barely take care of him, and missed out on a large portion of his first year of life because of it. I couldn’t get down on the floor and play with him, couldn’t take him anywhere to do fun stuff with him and could barely feed him without sending myself running for the bathroom. Luke absolutely loves his little brother, but I still feel so bad for having another baby and taking attention away from Luke.
- Ronny and my relationship started to struggle when I had Luke. My life no longer revolved around making sure my husband was happy, but instead making sure our son was happy, healthy and well taken care of. Our life went from constantly being together, to Ronny working and doing his thing and me taking care of Luke. When home we were barely in the same room and most conversations were done via text. When we found out Logan was coming, my husband became a very angry man. We spent even less time together, and 90% of the time we were together we were either fighting or he was yelling at me and/or Luke. I wanted to leave. I thought that if I packed up and left, my husband and Luke would both have a happier life.
The day that Logan arrived in the world was one of the best days of my life, and one of the worst.
- Before we ever even went to our 37 week appointment, I told my husband that I wanted one last moment with Luke before Logan came. I wanted to say goodbye to my only baby before his life (all of our lives) changed forever. That didn’t happen. My final farewell to Luke was a quick kiss in the car before Ronny drove away at the hospital. In fact, this is the last time I remember seeing him until the day after Logan was born. Because the c-section was rushed, my husband had to go home and pack bags for both Luke to spend the night at my parents, and for us in the hospital….and take Luke over to my parents and await the arrival of someone to help my mom take care of Luke (she had neck surgery 5 days beforehand, thinking we had another week and a half to recover). Everything was so rushed that I didn’t get a final moment with Luke.
- I spent most of the day alone in a hospital room, in active labor. I was by myself, and I was terrified that something was going to happen and no one would even know. My appointment was at 9am, my husband didn’t get back to the hospital until 2pm and I was taken back for the c-section at 5. In the time before the surgery started, we didn’t talk much. I laid there, crying silently to myself and my husband sat there reading up on football stuff for his fantasy teams.
- I missed out on the birth of our son. Thanks to my stupid body, I am not a candidate for a spinal, and had to be completely under….resulting in missing his birth. I begged my husband to take pictures of Logan’s arrival. He didn’t. From what I gather after the fact, ronny sat in a chair near my head for a few minutes and then was called over to the corner of the room after Logan came out to see him and take pictures. Ronny did a really good job at taking pics of Logan after the nurses had started their exams, but there is a good chunk of the actual delivery and moments afterwards that are completely missing…..moments that I’ll never even get to know about.
- I told both my husband and my mom multiple times that I wanted to be present for the moment that Luke and Logan met. Not only did I want to be present, but I wanted it to be just the 4 of us. Guess what? That didn’t happen. I’m not even sure where the breakdown happened. I remember trying to wipe my eyes after the surgery and everyone yelling at me, and the next thing I remember my family members were all in the recovery room. At that point, Luke and Logan had already met (don’t remember it at all). So not only did I miss my sons meeting for the first time (and yes, I say missed since I do not have any memory of it happening even though I was in the room), but no one thought to take any pictures or video of it so I can’t even go back and relive the moment. This one I think is legitimately being incredibly sad and incredibly angry at the whole situation, and not just postnatal hormones.
- If pre-surgery was any indication of how the rest of the hospital stay would go….. I spent the majority of the 5 days in the hospital alone with a newborn and almost completely unable to move. Do you know how hard it is to take care of a tiny little person, when you can’t even sit up in bed without being in so much pain that you literally cry with every movement? My parents, brother and his girlfriend and sister, brother in law and nephews did visit us the second day we were in the hospital, and my sister visited for like an hour on day 3….but that was it. I pretty much spent the entire hospital stay in tears.
- I completely missed out on Luke’s first real thanksgiving. No one visited. No one called. No one took or sent me any pictures. My thanksgiving dinner consisted of eating cold mashed potatoes, alone (that my husband brought up at the end of the night, before going home with Luke) off of a thin wooden stick that was meant to take a sample of Logan’s poop the next time he went #2. Do you know how hard it is to eat mashed potatoes off of something half the width of your pinky? I do.
Things haven’t gotten any easier since we’ve been home.
- I struggle daily with feelings of extreme sadness and guilt. Logan shouldn’t even be here until today, but because my body is such a failure, he’s already been here for almost 3 weeks. I thank God that he came out perfect and didn’t need any time in the nicu or have any major problems at birth (aside from the milk allergy and possible hip/spine issues)
- I am still in a great deal of pain, and almost always refuse to take the pain pills. They give me really bad dreams and I can’t bear to see another family member die in my dreams.
- I still am having troubles taking care of the house and kids. I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother. How am I any good for my family if I can’t take care of them? Every day I think about packing a bag and leaving. I think that they would all be so much better off without me around. And then I feel extremely guilty for even considering leaving these two precious boys and my amazing husband.
I have so many more feelings. Feelings that I don’t even want to say. I’m scared to say them and let them into my brain. I don’t want to be consumed by the hate, by the anger, by the sadness and guilt. I want my hormones to settle and for the feelings of inadequacy to go away. I want to be a good wife….a good mother and most of all happy. I want to be okay again.