On February 5th Luke is going in for his first surgery. It absolutely breaks my heart knowing that my little man needs a surgery, but I am so thankful that his issue was caught early enough in life that it can be surgically repaired with (hopefully) no long lasting problems.
The reason for the surgery is something that I have been hesitant to discuss on my blog. A few months back, I had a large number of people contact me about our decision to have Luke circumcised. While the decision affects no one but my husband, myself and our child, numerous people felt the need to comment on my post, email me and send me private messages on Facebook. The hype eventually died down but it made me weary of sharing anything more about the subject.
To make a long story short, we were fully intent on having Luke circumcised in the hospital after he was born. Unfortunately (but now fortunately) the doctor on shift that day decided that it would be best to hold off on getting Luke circumcised. We still aren’t sure if he has the same bleeding issues that I do, and it was a big risk to take at the time without first consulting hematology. We did go see the hematologist who said that Luke was too little to have the amount of blood drawn that was needed and wants to see Luke back at 18 months. Because the circumcision had to be delayed past the 6 week mark, we then had to wait until Luke was 6 months old so he could go under general anesthesia for the procedure.
We went in for the consult today with a pediatric urologist. After an exam of Luke’s penis, it was discovered that Luke has an issue with the skin on the underneath side of his penile shaft being too short, and causing his penis to be pulled downward instead of growing out like it should. The technical name for the issue and treatment is a Chordee repair. It is a problem that can cause numerous issues in the future, and the sooner it is corrected the better. Basically they will use the extra skin from the head and top of his penis to extend the skin on the underneath side. The entire procedure went from 5-10 minutes of anesthesia to an hour or more, and possibly a nights stay in the hospital.
If we had gone ahead with the circumcision immediately after birth, the repair would have been extremely difficult, if not impossible. I can’t stop thinking how everything happens for a reason. If one thing had gone according to plan, my son could have been disfigured for life. I am so grateful for the doctor who had enough wisdom to say hold on a moment, because without that decision we could be in a really bad spot right now. I am a bit angry at the pediatrician that we saw for Luke’s two month appointment. I asked her specifically about Luke’s penis and about his reflux…..both of which she said were “normal”. Needless to say we won’t be seeing her anymore.
I also feel an immense sense of guilt. Logically I know that there is absolutely nothing I did to cause this to happen. It was a normal (or not normal) part of Luke’s development that just didn’t go exactly right. It’s not a big deal and really nothing to worry about at all. The illogical part of my body/mind feels so bad that I somehow did this to him. After baking him for 9 months, a few things aren’t quite right. I was comparing it earlier to feeling like I added extra ingredients that made the bread a bit off. It’s so hard being a mom, especially when your little person has medical issues beyond your control. It leaves you feeling helpless and miserable. No matter what you do, you can’t make it go away, you can’t make it better, you can’t take the pain for them. All you can do is sit lovingly by and watch as your tiny person somehow copes and enjoys life. Why does everything have to be so damn hard?
Please say a prayer for little man (and momma) on the 5th.