Its late at night, my little snuggled into his favorite sleeping spot….right between my legs, his daddy asleep next to me. I can’t stop staring at the two of them. The man of my dreams gave me the best gift ever. It was a long journey to get where we are and I cannot believe how far we have come!
Luke is doing amazingly well all things considered. We had a few small scares while in the hospital and after we brought him home. In the hospital, Luke’s blood was clotting too quickly, which may or may not signify a bleeding disorder. We have to go to Children’s Hospital for blood testing at his 2 month appointment. His bilirubin was also incredibly high, but further blood testing showed it wasn’t high enough to warrant a trip to the tanning booth. He did absolutely love the warmer though.
At home the two of us are definitely learning as we go. Our biggest struggle is with feeding. I was always told to feed on demand. Well…..my little likes to sleep and when paired with a slow to form milk supply, he lost over a pound in 3 days. We are working on catching him up by breast feeding from both sides for 20 minutes followed by pumping for 20 minutes and mixing what I pump with formula to supplement. He seems to be gaining now!
And how is mom? Physically I am doing amazingly well. I wasn’t sore for very long, aside from a nagging pain on my right side and some lower back pain. My vagina will occasionally burn if I move the wrong way, but it’s no longer swollen and funny looking. Hopefully it will return to normal some time this week. Most of the swelling has gone down so I am looking more like myself. In fact I have dropped 18 pounds as of today!
Mentally, I’m kind of all over the place. I do alright most of the day, but when the sun sets I can’t seem to stop crying. I cry because I am happy, I cry because I’m sad, I cry because I’m overwhelmed, I cry because I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job, I cry because I can’t believe I carried this precious child inside of me, and I cry because my body starts to hurt. Breast feeding isn’t going the way I wanted it too, and that is weighing heavily on me. I didn’t want to have to feed my tiny formula or have a bottle or pacifier for 4-6 weeks. Circumstances changed and we are using a breast feeding/formula feeding combo with the pacifier at night to soothe him. It’s difficult knowing my son lost so much weight because of me. I tried my best but it wasn’t good enough.