Today we hit the 40 week mark, and I can say with 100% certainty that no one thought we would make it this far into a pregnancy. To say that week 39 was difficult would be an understatement. It seemed like every turn we made resulted in bad news or things that we wouldn’t have wanted.
The morphine sleep was a total bust. Literally……the nurse blew through my vein and morphine seeped into my arm rather than being dispersed into my system, leaving me even more tired and in pain than when I went in. A day shy of a week later and my arm still looks and feels horrible.
When we went to the OB on Thursday, we got more undesirable news. After a quick (and I mean quick) round of excitement when the doctor thought my water had broken and was going to send me up to the labor floor, we were saddened to find out that not only did my water not break but there had literally been no change. Not only that but the plan to induce at 40 weeks had changed and we now won’t be induced until 41 weeks.
Symptom-wise, week 39 was full of contractions, heart burn, moodiness and back pains. My contractions are changing from what they used to be. I can feel my uterus tightening all over, but only really feel any pain in my lower abdomen where period cramps would be, and in my back. Before, my entire abdomen would hurt. The heartburn has been killer, waking me from what little sleep I get with the feeling that vomit is just sitting at the back of my throat. No amount of antacids is helping with that either. I’ve heard that indigestion does increase right before labor starts because the relaxin your body produces to relax the abdomen also relaxes just about everything, including the esophagus. That could also be why my hands (specifically my fingers) have been incredibly painful the past couple of days.
I’ve lost a little bit of weight this week, weighing in at 138.8 (that’s down almost 6 pounds since last week). I’ve been eating the same and haven’t really been working out or anything, so I’m not sure why the difference is so dramatic, but I’ll take it. Weight loss is a sign after all……right? I couldn’t even tell you the measurement of my belly. I’m too depressed to look (and I can’t find the tape measure).
Here is my bump as of today…….
And here is a comparison shot from last week to this week.
With no one, including the doctors, thinking that I would even get to my due date, reaching that 40 week mark and still pregnant has been emotionally difficult. I know that 40 weeks is just a guesstimate, and that first time moms often go over. I’m just getting really down about having all these labor signs for so long, with literally no change in the past 6 weeks. A small part of me wonders if the lack of progression, early onset of labor signs and going over my due date are my “fault”.
Logically, and realistically speaking I know that none of this is in my control. I have provided the best possible home for my little guy that I possibly could have. I haven’t done anything to make labor come any faster (aside from operation get this baby out of me the past few days), and I haven’t knowingly done anything to prevent labor from starting. My body is in control, and I just have to trust that it knows what it’s doing.
The unrealistic, irrational side of me however isn’t so sure. I have a history of things not happening for me when I want them really bad. It seems as if the more I want something, the more forces work against me. Obviously I want to meet Luke more than anything in the world right now, and it just isn’t happening. The amazing pregnancy and delivery that I’ve always dreamed of is less of a reality every single day.
There are days where I sit at the bottom of the shower crying, wondering if yet again my body is failing to do what it needs to do. Thanks to a weak pelvic floor, I was blessed to have early separation of my pelvis in both the front and back. I was also very fortunate to get a pretty bad case of diastisis recti, which basically kept my abdomen from being able to support Luke in a vertex position for quite awhile (that’s why he was transverse for so long). I wonder if the early onset of contractions was strengthening a weak uterus that was a bit floppy from being in the retroflexed position. At 40 weeks, Luke is still not fully engaged……leading me to believe that it isn’t a matter of him wanting to get lower, but being physically unable to do so. He is still in the LOT position and I ask at every appointment if it could be that he is quite literally stuck on my pelvis, too big to fit through. Of course the doctors (without checking) say that it is highly unlikely.
Then I wonder if I am mentally blocking myself from going into labor. I am not afraid anymore of what is going to happen during labor. It’s not in my control. I’m afraid of the change that is going to happen after Luke comes. I’m going to be a stay at home mommy, that can’t just go out and do whatever she pleases. I’m afraid that my husband and my relationship is going to change and I’m not ready to let that go. Perhaps my biggest fear though is that I have made it this far and the doctors are going to refuse the induction and make me suffer for yet another week, and I am going to end up with a c-section anyways because they haven’t been adequately addressing my concerns. I don’t want to be in anymore pain and feel like I still have a week and a half of pain to go. (Really the latest they are going to induce would be 1 week).
I am doing the best I can to roll with the punches and give my fears to the universe. Some days are harder than others and I just can’t handle it. Hopefully my little guy will be in my arms soon and all of this will be just a memory.