Could It Be My Fault? 39 Week Bumpdate

Today we hit the 40 week mark, and I can say with 100% certainty that no one thought we would make it this far into a pregnancy. To say that week 39 was difficult would be an understatement. It seemed like every turn we made resulted in bad news or things that we wouldn’t have wanted.

The morphine sleep was a total bust. Literally……the nurse blew through my vein and morphine seeped into my arm rather than being dispersed into my system, leaving me even more tired and in pain than when I went in. A day shy of a week later and my arm still looks and feels horrible.

When we went to the OB on Thursday, we got more undesirable news. After a quick (and I mean quick) round of excitement when the doctor thought my water had broken and was going to send me up to the labor floor, we were saddened to find out that not only did my water not break but there had literally been no change. Not only that but the plan to induce at 40 weeks had changed and we now won’t be induced until 41 weeks.

Symptom-wise, week 39 was full of contractions, heart burn, moodiness and back pains. My contractions are changing from what they used to be. I can feel my uterus tightening all over, but only really feel any pain in my lower abdomen where period cramps would be, and in my back. Before, my entire abdomen would hurt. The heartburn has been killer, waking me from what little sleep I get with the feeling that vomit is just sitting at the back of my throat. No amount of antacids is helping with that either. I’ve heard that indigestion does increase right before labor starts because the relaxin your body produces to relax the abdomen also relaxes just about everything, including the esophagus. That could also be why my hands (specifically my fingers) have been incredibly painful the past couple of days.

I’ve lost  a little bit of weight this week, weighing in at 138.8 (that’s down almost 6 pounds since last week). I’ve been eating the same and haven’t really been working out or anything, so I’m not sure why the difference is so dramatic, but I’ll take it. Weight loss is a sign after all……right? I couldn’t even tell you the measurement of my belly. I’m too depressed to look (and I can’t find the tape measure).

Here is my bump as of today…….

11817192_10100499678238323_6381991229314922958_n

And here is a comparison shot from last week to this week.

11822384_10100499313344573_3009851162656484947_n

With no one, including the doctors, thinking that I would even get to my due date, reaching that 40 week mark and still pregnant has been emotionally difficult. I know that 40 weeks is just a guesstimate, and that first time moms often go over. I’m just getting really down about having all these labor signs for so long, with literally no change in the past 6 weeks. A small part of me wonders if the lack of progression, early onset of labor signs and going over my due date are my “fault”.

Logically, and realistically speaking I know that none of this is in my control. I have provided the best possible home for my little guy that I possibly could have. I haven’t done anything to make labor come any faster (aside from operation get this baby out of me the past few days), and I haven’t knowingly done anything to prevent labor from starting. My body is in control, and I just have to trust that it knows what it’s doing.

The unrealistic, irrational side of me however isn’t so sure. I have a history of things not happening for me when I want them really bad. It seems as if the more I want something, the more forces work against me. Obviously I want to meet Luke more than anything in the world right now, and it just isn’t happening. The amazing pregnancy and delivery that I’ve always dreamed of is less of a reality every single day.

There are days where I sit at the bottom of the shower crying, wondering if yet again my body is failing to do what it needs to do. Thanks to a weak pelvic floor, I was blessed to have early separation of my pelvis in both the front and back. I was also very fortunate to get a pretty bad case of diastisis recti, which basically kept my abdomen from being able to support Luke in a vertex position for quite awhile (that’s why he was transverse for so long). I wonder if the early onset of contractions was strengthening a weak uterus that was a bit floppy from being in the retroflexed position. At 40 weeks, Luke is still not fully engaged……leading me to believe that it isn’t a matter of him wanting to get lower, but being physically unable to do so. He is still in the LOT position and I ask at every appointment if it could be that he is quite literally stuck on my pelvis, too big to fit through. Of course the doctors (without checking) say that it is highly unlikely.

Then I wonder if I am mentally blocking myself from going into labor. I am not afraid anymore of what is going to happen during labor. It’s not in my control. I’m afraid of the change that is going to happen after Luke comes. I’m going to be a stay at home mommy, that can’t just go out and do whatever she pleases. I’m afraid that my husband and my relationship is going to change and I’m not ready to let that go. Perhaps my biggest fear though is that I have made it this far and the doctors are going to refuse the induction and make me suffer for yet another week, and I am going to end up with a c-section anyways because they haven’t been adequately addressing my concerns. I don’t want to be in anymore pain and feel like I still have a week and a half of pain to go. (Really the latest they are going to induce would be 1 week).

I am doing the best I can to roll with the punches and give my fears to the universe. Some days are harder than others and I just can’t handle it. Hopefully my little guy will be in my arms soon and all of this will be just a memory.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Could It Be My Fault? 39 Week Bumpdate

  1. Of course he’ll come soon. For some, like you, getting pregnant is hard work. Being pregnant is hard work also, and then comes an ever harder part – raising him while seconguessing your every decision and worrying if you really are living up to your own expectations as a parent. But oh man, the rewards are so so worth all this discomfort and tears. There is nothing else like it.
    Nothing any of us can say will ease the physical portion of what you’re feeling, unfortunately. But hang in there. You made it this long, and you’ll make it one more week if needed. Whatever is best for the little man, right?
    Oh, and your belly is BEAUTIFUL. It sort of makes me jealous, to be honest 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure if you are into this but I’m sure you could find some guided meditation tracks on YouTube to welcome labour and visualize your body opening to let your baby out. Might be worth a shot (and then at least you could say you weren’t mentally blocking anything). I know wondering why is such a difficult process. Don’t blame yourself. I trust that your little man will arrive exactly when he’s supposed to.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s not your fault. There are Higher powers in charge that know what’s best. My baby was in the LOT position and she came out just great. 🙂 The contractions hurting in your lower abdominal area is a great sign! Labor pains hurt in the back and front lower abdominal area. You can almost tell they are making more of a difference when you can feel them deep inside and there’s a sense of great intensity in the front and inside by your cervix. There’s usually no pain on the upper part of the uterus, just lower part, and since you’re feeling some discomfort in your back its all the better. Because you’re reaching the emotional status you are, I really would venture you’re almost there (meaning I don’t think you’ll need to be induced). The hormones typically go haywire right before labor. There’s just a different “feel” if you will. Anyway, have faith, sometimes babies really do need that extra long labor to be able to handle the intense stuff that’s coming. It really all could be what’s keeping you from a c-section rather than bringing you to one. One last thing, this is your experience and your body. We can all give suggestions, but we only know our experiences, and even doctors really only know what’s typical. Try not to over think what everything is supposed to be, and try to find peace with what your body does to get a baby out. It might be different, but it’s beautiful and perfect in its own way, and will not fail you. Your little Luke is perfect, and your body has done an amazing job keeping him safe for you. ❤️ You’re already a great mom and have put up with more than most to get him here. You can literally say that to him one day when he tries to give you lip someday. 😉 You’re doing fabulous! You are almost there!! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t think anything you have done, or could do, would be prolonging labor coming. I know that you’ve been so stressed about it though, and I’m sorry for that. I like the idea of meditation for you too…maybe if you are able to get relaxed, it might get things going. But I know you’ve tried pretty much everything, so I think it’s just a matter of whenever Luke is ready. I truly hope that once you go into labor, they don’t find out that you have been right all along and that he’s been stuck this whole time. That would just be completely infuriating. So hopefully, it’s just that he’s not quite ready to meet the world yet. *hugs*

    Like

  5. If you look online I am sure that you can find some guided meditations to prep you for birth. They may just make you more receptive to the idea and quell some of those fears you have been having. If you *are* holding off the birth at all (and I’m sure you aren’t but let’s entertain the idea since you suggested it) then it might be just what you need to get into your subconscious and feel calm and ready. I hope you get a reprieve soon. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. None your fault! First time moms often go past their due date. And every baby comes when he/she is ready to. It’s just unfortunate that you have SO much discomfort.
    I thought I had it bad and felt sorry for myself. You have more symptoms than I did so I can only imagine. I was soooo miserable by the end. soooooo miserable.
    Hang in there!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re doing a great job momma! I think everything you are feeling is completely normal and reasonable. I’m proud that you’ve recognized that maybe it’s keeping you tense and you are letting it go. It may help, it may not, but at least you are distressing yourself for little man’s arrival. XO You can totally do this! There is an expiration date regardless if he comes on his own or intervention is needed!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s