So this is something that I haven’t spoken about with anybody, ever (not even my husband). In fact, I am just starting to realize how I am feeling. When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought that I was going to be so happy and so positive and over the moon. The truth is though, with each passing week I am finding myself more and more run down. I’m struggling to remain positive when every single time I go to the doctor I get news of yet another diagnosis that is going to make pregnancy, labor or childbirth more difficult and more painful.
I struggled to get pregnant, and everyone always told me how strong I was going through what I did and coming out the other side still happy and positive. I have recently been told by some amazing women on an online ttc and pregnancy support site that they are amazed at how well I am coping with all of the limitations on this pregnancy. Their statements made me feel really good at the time, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it isn’t 100% true.
I do pretty well day to day playing out the hand that I was dealt. It’s not like I can just give up if things get too hard. I am still going to be pregnant. I will still eventually give birth. I will have a child to take care of at the end of all of this. I can’t just stop it all from happening. I can however cry, and scream, and shut down for brief moments. I cry a lot…..more than I would care to admit. There are days when I literally do nothing but lie in bed and watch tv, despite the numerous things I need to accomplish. Mostly though, I put on a smile and continue on as if my struggles belong to someone else. I pretend like I’m fine, when I am not.
I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay. I’m tired of feeling like someone is going to say that they hate that I am complaining when there are so many that are still fighting the fertility battle. (I honestly used to be someone that was like, shut up….at least you are pregnant. Now that I am pregnant I am realizing how incredibly hard it is and that everyone has a right to complain. It doesn’t make them any less grateful for what they have.) I’m tired of having to defend myself and my choices for my family. I’m tired of being told that this is only the beginning and that I haven’t experienced “true pain” yet. I’m tired of people telling me that my body isn’t doing what I know that it is doing. Contractions are contractions people. I’ve been having them for a month. They are real (the doctors have even said so), they are painful, and I know that they are only going to get worse. I am sick of people telling me to relax and let nature take its course. I guess I didn’t realize that one was able to manage pregnancy. My body is doing what it is doing. I have no control over it. All I can do is go with the flow and take things as they happen. I’m sick of hearing that it will all be worth it in the end. Mostly though, I am tired of having to say that I am fine when in all honesty I feel like my body is sabotaging me every chance it gets.
I am so incredibly thankful that the little guy hasn’t had any problems during the pregnancy. He is doing amazingly well. While I don’t much care for lightening crotch or tiny little toes tapping on my hip bone, I do love feeling him move and wriggle. Sometimes, I just wish that my body was doing just as well as the little man is.