Remaining Positive

So this is something that I haven’t spoken about with anybody, ever (not even my husband). In fact, I am just starting to realize how I am feeling. When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought that I was going to be so happy and so positive and over the moon. The truth is though, with each passing week I am finding myself more and more run down. I’m struggling to remain positive when every single time I go to the doctor I get news of yet another diagnosis that is going to make pregnancy, labor or childbirth more difficult and more painful.

I struggled to get pregnant, and everyone always told me how strong I was going through what I did and coming out the other side still happy and positive. I have recently been told by some amazing women on an online ttc and pregnancy support site that they are amazed at how well I am coping with all of the limitations on this pregnancy. Their statements made me feel really good at the time, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it isn’t 100% true.

I do pretty well day to day playing out the hand that I was dealt. It’s not like I can just give up if things get too hard. I am still going to be pregnant. I will still eventually give birth. I will have a child to take care of at the end of all of this. I can’t just stop it all from happening. I can however cry, and scream, and shut down for brief moments. I cry a lot…..more than I would care to admit. There are days when I literally do nothing but lie in bed and watch tv, despite the numerous things I need to accomplish. Mostly though, I put on a smile and continue on as if my struggles belong to someone else. I pretend like I’m fine, when I am not.

I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay. I’m tired of feeling like someone is going to say that they hate that I am complaining when there are so many that are still fighting the fertility battle. (I honestly used to be someone that was like, shut up….at least you are pregnant. Now that I am pregnant I am realizing how incredibly hard it is and that everyone has a right to complain. It doesn’t make them any less grateful for what they have.) I’m tired of having to defend myself and my choices for my family. I’m tired of being told that this is only the beginning and that I haven’t experienced “true pain” yet. I’m tired of people telling me that my body isn’t doing what I know that it is doing. Contractions are contractions people. I’ve been having them for a month. They are real (the doctors have even said so), they are painful, and I know that they are only going to get worse. I am sick of people telling me to relax and let nature take its course. I guess I didn’t realize that one was able to manage pregnancy. My body is doing what it is doing. I have no control over it. All I can do is go with the flow and take things as they happen. I’m sick of hearing that it will all be worth it in the end. Mostly though, I am tired of having to say that I am fine when in all honesty I feel like my body is sabotaging me every chance it gets.

I am so incredibly thankful that the little guy hasn’t had any problems during the pregnancy. He is doing amazingly well. While I don’t much care for lightening crotch or tiny little toes tapping on my hip bone, I do love feeling him move and wriggle. Sometimes, I just wish that my body was doing just as well as the little man is.

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14 thoughts on “Remaining Positive

  1. I am a firm believer that no-one has to pretend that pregnancy is the most amazing, best time of their lives. And when I say no-one, I mean any IF sister who is crossing through to the other side. I know my perspective is pretty unique, but for me after 5 losses, I am adamant that pregnancy isn’t always sunshine and roses. In fact for me, it was by far the hardest time in my life.
    And I think everyone has the right to complain and be truthful about how they are feeling. So, while I hope your frustrations and struggles ease, I do believe you have every right to express them. Sending you love my friend!

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  2. I really believe that life is just hard no matter what side of the fence we are on. It’s just hard. You can complain, it keeps you sane. It’s not good for anyone to hold it all in. It’s unhealthy. And I like the part where you said it doesn’t make us less grateful. The pain is part of this process. The hard part, and it’s very real. The joy is real too. Having kids is hard when they are in the body and out. But the joy is real too. Life is hard and you really are doing great with everything! You just keep being you, and enjoy the moments you can and cry when you need to. The pain is a gift, because it helps us give compassion to those who will be in your shoes someday. 🙂 Plus, the Lord is there to show us He can lift us through the pain too. ❤ You're great!

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  3. I’m sorry you’re having such a rough go of things. The honest truth is that no matter what phase of life we’re in, our struggles are what they are, and it’s no one’s place to diminish them because they have no idea what you’re experiencing. I had a really difficult time this past year, having lost Little Spark back in September. To some, it was “just a miscarriage”, but to me, I felt like my life was falling apart because everything in my life at that point was overwhelming me, and the miscarriage was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I fell apart. Other than on my blog, I kept my experience a secret from everyone else in my life, and behind the scenes I was crying everyday and had no will to carry on with living. I think that some of us can heal with the help of others, but if you’re anything like me, I have to heal on my own somehow. I know that your experience right now is different- but I also think that it’s similar in that maybe you will find positivity not because others tell you to, but in your own way.

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    • I know what you mean about life completely falling apart after a miscarriage and needing to heal yourself privately without others influencing how you do that. I’ve been there. I get overwhelmed a lot after visits to the doctor because every time I go I learn of some new diagnosis or something else that is preventing me from having a “standard” labor and delivery. The latest being told I need to be induced at 40 weeks because of the blood condition I have causing problems if I go past 40 but then being told that they are hesitant to induce labor because induction is way more painful than going into labor naturally and I can’t have the epidural to take the edge off. It’s so frustrating!

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      • Yes, it’s like you have no say in the matter, and it’s hard to mourn the loss of the labour and delivery that you want. I imagine there’s also some fear around the whole exit plan too- having so many constraints. Why can’t you have an epidural?

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      • I am actually working on a post scheduled to be released tomorrow outlining all of our complications. I can’t have the epidural because I have spina bifida occulta at L1 and L2, which is where they typically place the spinal block. I also have a fracture at L5,

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  4. I am so sorry you’re having such a difficult time 😦 for what it’s worth, I don’t think anyone can tell you to “shut up and stop complaining” because pregnancy is super hard for some people. I wish I could help 😦

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  5. Yep. I had a tough pregnancy and after a point I said fuck it, I’m normal too like everyone else despite the journey I took to get pregnant. It ain’t easy. You have the rights to not feel amazing. It’s OK to not feel positive and to say you feel like shit and can’t wait for this baby to vacate.

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  6. You definitely have every right to talk about both the good and the bad about your pregnancy. Pregnancy is not easy, and you seem to have been given additional challenges on top of a typical pregnancy. You have every right to cry and vent, and we will be here for you. You’re doing great mama, and doing great doesn’t mean you always feel strong or are always happy. But you’re doing it and you’re nearing the home stretch. xx

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  7. I love your honesty throughout your whole experience. You share the good and the bad and I thank you for it. Pregnancy (and life, for goodness sake) is not easy, and no matter how you got to where you are today, you are entitled to your feelings.

    I always thought that when (if?) I ever actually carry a viable pregnancy that I wouldn’t complain and I would just be grateful that I was finally getting what I want. Reading this post, your blog, and a lot if other women’s blogs, has made me realize that sometimes things are really difficult, even when it’s what you want. Who am I to judge someone else’s journey? And I have no idea what it’s like to be in your (or anyone else’s) shoes. Thank you for helping me come to that realization.

    I wish you all the best in the small amount of time until you two get to meet Luke!!

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