I like to think that I am a kind, honest and hardworking person. If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time, or know me personally, you have also probably picked up on the fact that I am a very emotional person. I feel things deeply. I worry constantly. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
There has been a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, A lot that I haven’t really discussed with anyone. I don’t know how much I can post without getting myself into some hot water either. Regardless, after the cry fest I had yesterday there is some things I need to get off my chest and just hope for the best.
First off, everything with Luke is going great. His kicks and jabs have turned more into rolls and slides…..which are actually more painful. He moves ALL DAY LONG! Getting my husband to put his hand on my belly hasn’t really worked in getting Luke to settle down lately either. It just makes him move more. I had read somewhere that by this point, others should be able to hear the baby’s heart beat just by pressing their ear to my belly. Both Ronny and my mom tried it out and both said they could hear it. I’m now pretty jealous as I can’t get my ear to my stomach to give it a listen. That’s ok though because I am the only one who gets to experience all of his movements regardless of the time of day.
Ronny and I have been working really hard at getting everything set up. Last weekend we were able to get Luke’s clothes, sheets, and blankets washed and put away. I organized everything from the numerous bags around the apartment into the dresser and bathroom where they need to be. Sheets are on the pack n play and crib. We are doing pretty well and things are starting to come together.
BUT……and there is always a but….. Luke could come any time in the next 13 weeks. Hell, he could come tomorrow (probably not going to happen but there is always the possibility). His imminent arrival is causing so much stress and anxiety. Perhaps it would be a bit better if I knew the day he was coming, but Denver Health doesn’t do scheduled c-sections except for emergency situations….and I want him to come naturally, so that is out of the picture. My mom accompanied me to a newborn care class on Saturday. We (well she kinda already knows having had 3 kids of her own) learned all about newborn appearance and what happens in the few days following birth. I learned pretty much nothing other than the kind of circumcision that Luke would be getting, which I googled when we got home. I do not recommend watching circumcision videos. I think the class was more geared for people who have never been around a newborn. In fact, my mom and I were showing the other parents to be how to change diapers and put clothes on the baby because the instructor was talking to someone else and not paying attention. Even with the classes that we have taken so far, I still have a lot of anxiety about whether or not we are prepared enough for the little bugger.
Next up, I am worried about my mom. She has been having some pretty bad back pain for quite awhile now. Unfortunately it hasn’t been getting better and she went into the doctor. Thursday, my mom went in for an MRI while my husband and I watched “Charlie” and “Stinky”. She got the results back Friday. Apparently at some point in her life she broke her back, which has either never healed or improperly healed and is causing problems now. Not only does she have a broken back, but she also has arthritis, spinal stenosis, and a cyst that needs to be further evaluated. It’s scary. I know my mom is terrified and I am right there with her.
Lastly, I got word that a settlement offer was made from when I fell down the stairs in July 2013. Unfortunately the insurance company was unable to get several medical records that are crucial to a more realistic settlement offer and they said that they didn’t have some bills even though I sent them in and got reimbursed the out of pocket expenses already. So now I am having to call everywhere that I went for treatment and get any records/notes/documentation that they have on file for me so I can send it to the insurance company. We have two choices: settle by July 13th or get a lawyer and sue. I was able to get records from one doctors office, have to go in for another exam before one doctor will write her report (even though I really just want the documentation from when I saw her in November) and need to send stuff in for the other doctors. In addition, apparently I need to submit records from the 3 years prior to my injury to “prove I was in good health prior to the fall.” I personally feel that this request is a breach of my privacy but they have said that the claim will be denied if I do not give them the records.
I don’t need this right now. I need for this to be done and over with so I can focus on getting ready for a baby and figuring everything else out in life.
Yesterday I broke. After starting dinner and realizing that I had literally nothing that I needed to make the meal I planned, the back up meal or the backup to the backup, I crawled underneath a stack of pillows in the closet and just let the tears flow. I cried hard. My shirt was wet from the tears running down my face and my nose got all stuffy. I cried so hard I actually started having contractions. I definitely needed the release, but it came with such force that I couldn’t get it to stop.
I’m a strong person. I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that I will make it through and at the end of the day I can’t control everything in life. I know that I need to take things as them come and deal with them the best that I can. I also know that I just need a break.
Tomorrow will be a better day.