I don’t typically post twice in one day, but this post couldn’t wait another day. Today has been such an emotionally difficult day for me. My first angel baby was estimated to arrive on April 20, 2014……Easter day. Last year instead of welcoming my child into the world, or preparing for his/her arrival, I was recovering from a surgery aimed at helping me to conceive. I was drugged up and slept through most of the day and never got the chance to fully grieve. This Easter, we should have been celebrating my baby’s first birthday……..and we weren’t.
I don’t know if it was the fact that I barely got any sleep last night due to an overly rambunctious little one yesterday, or some other things that have gone on in the past week or two weighing me down, or what……but today I grieved. I cried in the shower, I cried when I hugged my husband and I cried multiple times throughout the day.(In fact I’m crying as I write this post) My heart aches for the life I could have had, and breaks for being envious of that life when I have an amazing little boy beating the crap out of my insides right now. The fact that I am pregnant now isn’t lost on me. This little guy lets me know quite forcefully that he is in it for the long haul. I am so truly blessed to be his mommy. Knowing that this little guy is going to be alright makes me so incredibly happy.
So many people have told me to be thankful for the baby I am baking right now, and to look forwards rather than backwards. What they don’t realize though is that you can’t replace one child with another. A hole in the heart cannot be plugged by another soul. I don’t view the heart as a whole, but rather many parts that are filled with love for various people in my life. Each compartment of my heart is reserved for one, and only one, person. It cannot be filled by anyone other than that person. It cannot be fixed if it is broken and cannot be merged with another empty spot. If a person dies or leaves, what is left of their compartment will forever be empty. Each of my angels has their own special place in my heart. Luke has a spot too.
Today I am taking the time to grieve my angel. I will forever miss and love you angel.